Hi. I’m Kate. Over the last four years I’ve lost around forty kilograms. Recently I’ve put on about six kilos but I just came back from holiday so I’m trying not to beat myself up about it. Trying… unsuccessfully. Because honestly, once I lost all that weight, my life totally changed. And I don’t just mean in the way where suddenly everyone wants to be your friend, boys notice you more and you get to buy outfits from “regular” stores. I mean, food isn’t just nourishment anymore.. It’s got all these labels… it’s bad, it’s good, it’s too “this,” too “that.” There are all these rules and restrictions and it sucks.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love that I’m so much fitter and healthier now. I love that I can run for half an hour and not feel like I’m going to die, that I can go into a store and find something in my size. I love that I now have a knowledge of food where I know what makes me feel good and function well. But sometimes I really wish I could go back to Kate at 100 + kg where she just ate food without thinking about what it was doing to her body. Where she truly enjoyed food and was generally just a lot more laid back about everything.
When you lose weight, no matter how you do it, food isn’t really food anymore. In fact, it almost becomes the enemy. It might have too much sugar, too much salt, not enough nutrients. It might add fat to your thighs or be a superfood that is apparently supposed to fix all your problems. There are food groups you’ve never heard of, rules about when you should or shouldn’t eat, a billion different articles covering every diet under the sun. You can’t just go out for a meal without thinking about how it’s going to affect you today, tomorrow, a month from now. You even have to schedule in “cheat days” where you can have a break from eating “perfectly” for the last however many days. While you’re losing weight, you don’t really think about it because you’re being “healthy,” and you know it’s benefiting you. You’re focused and you can see the results, you’re feeling good and you’re happy. Well, apart from the lack of chocolate and chips.
But what happens when you’ve lost the weight? When you reach your goal and you are satisfied with how you look and feel? You’d think that you’d just slow down on the healthy eating and reach a place of moderation right? Well. I think that’s the ultimate goal. But I, personally, have found it pretty darn hard. You see, when you’re so fixated on food and what you’re eating for so long, you develop feelings around it and an attitude towards it. Each piece of cake, each ice cream comes jam packed full of guilt. And then anger. And then the want to give in and just eat the whole dam tub. Especially if you’ve come from a place where your weight gain was caused by something like emotional eating. You feel like you “can’t” just enjoy it because you’ve come all this way so then you have this inner battle in your brain that makes you feel like shit when really you could just eat the damn thing and enjoy it.
I’m hoping that one day I’ll get to a place where I don’t feel so fricken guilty anymore. That I can have a huge bowl of pasta one night without thinking about how much harder I’ll have to work out at the gym, or how I should eat salad for the rest of the week to make up for it. That I can find a balance where I am able to enjoy a treat every now and then without feeling like I’m going to spiral back into a binge. I’m getting there though, and the change in mindset towards food has just as many good points as it does bad. I’m more aware of what I’m eating so I know that I won’t slip back into old habits that led me to gain so much weight. I do, however, look forward to the day where I can eat a whole bowl of chips without feeling like I’ve ruined everything.
Kate is also a badass babe who has made some lifestyle changes and kicked ass. She lives in Auckland, NZ with her husband and furbaby Theo.
This is something that isn't talked about enough I think. The way that food controls you will always be an issue when you've had to criticially evaluate yourself and found that you need/want to change. I think even if you don't manage to lose the weight (which Kate did and she's amazing for) the mental grip food has on you can be very difficult to manage.
ReplyDeleteI am so pleased that Kate is working towards balance and that she isn't letting it get her down! She's an awesome person and deserves to feel amazing.
Yaaas yas yaaas! I lost 20kg a few years ago and became obsessive and tbh it's probably the maintenance part that gave me an eating disorder in the first place. I was so obsessed with keeping "bad" things out and it wasn't healthy at all. I'm working on it again now but am trying to go slow and remember that food is fuel and nourishment and balance. Good on you for talking about this, it was a great read! xx
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